Should I or Shouldnt I?

Should I or shouldnt I? That is the question. For the last several weeks I have been spending time thinking about getting a second cochlear implant in my left ear. Since my last visit with my super duper audiologist at MUSC, she suggested that I would really benefit from a 2nd CI. I just dont know. My goal with my first CI was "to hear". I do hear but I do not know direction of the sound that I am hearing. Make any sense?With the 2nd CI, I will have direction and I will also be able to hear /understand better in a larger crowd situation. I talked it over with friends and family members, made a list of pros and cons and still wrestling with this decision. I can hear. I had a family member tell me that I can make a list of pros and cons and keep adding to that list BUT she said that if I didnt feel it in my heart, a feeling of content in my heart with the decision to get a second CI then my list of pros and cons is null and void. Boy was this not great advice! Let me back up a bit...When I had my CI done, with this surgery all hearing is lost in that ear where the CI is implanted. What little hearing I did have was disconnected or what I like to say "clipped". To be honest, I could not tell a difference after the surgery at all while waiting to be hooked up to my unit. The point I am trying to make here is that I was scared of being totally deaf but I knew I could rely on my good ear to pull me through while waiting the 3 weeks after surgery to be hooked up to my unit. My good ear which is my left ear. For some odd reason I have a feeling that I can hear in my good ear.  Ever since my last visit with my super duper audio lady, I have conducted my own test and experiments.You know, to prove them wrong that I can hear and all. Well, I have taken my unit on and off, put myself in different situations and I have come to the realization that I can not hear in my good ear and that I am deaf! Do you know how hard that is for me to accept? I dont know why but it just is. Now, with the 2nd implant all wires so to speak will be "clipped" and I will be totally deaf when not wearing my receivers (units). Will I be able to survive when I am not wearing my receivers? What will I do when I sleep? What will become of our "pillow talks" with my hubby? (Insert here...hubby says," what pillow talks, you cant hear me and you fall asleep BEFORE I do! ) What will I do at the pool when I swim and take my water aerobics class. Will I be able to depend on my lip reading? So many questions. I have prayed for devine guidance. Well ya'll. I have to say, I have taken the advice of that very wise family member. I have tossed out my list of pros and cons and have followed my heart. I bet you are wondering what I have decided. Let me tell you a story first of something that happened to me. I was out on a date where we went dancing.There I was doing a slow dance with my soul mate when it came to me. I had this warm feeling encompass me then on Sunday morning in Sunday school, that feeling came to me again. It was a feeling of comfort, a warm fuzzy feeling and I knew then that the decision had been made. I am going for the 2nd implant. I feel a load has been lifted. I am ready to hear in stereo. As I am writing this I am tearing up as I am overwhelmed with this decision. I have emailed my super duper audio lady to get the wheels in motion. I also am waiting to hear if my insurance is going to pull through and help me financially with this second CI. So my dear friends, I would love for you to continue this ride with me as I again go through the process of entering the world of hearing in STEREO! As always, thank you for reading my blog and supporting me. PHEW! This is great therapy!